People Should Be Allowed to Have Preferences
I feel that it needs to be said: People should be allowed to have preferences.
Partly, this is a matter of the privacy of a person’s own thoughts. People ought to be allowed to think whatever they want to think. I hope that’s self-evident, but if it’s not I really don’t know what to say.
But thoughts become behavior, and at that point you have to start talking about harm. Because any action that harms another becomes morally and ethically suspect. Then you have to weigh things against some other measure, about who is harming who and who would be harmed more if that harm weren’t done, etc. But most people agree that actions which harm none, should not be prohibited.
Where things get murky is when the claim is made that my thoughts are hurting you.
For example: You and I are walking toward each other. As you approach, I look at you. From the way I look at you, you conclude that some thought is going through my mind about your appearance. Maybe that conclusion is correct and maybe it’s not (the ambiguity can be debatable) but that’s the conclusion you come to. It’s a thought that’s in your head. You narrow your eyes at me; you don’t like that thought in my head, you don’t like that I’ve had it. It hurts you, and you blame me for it.
Do you see the problem here?
Here’s another example: I’m reading a book. The book portrays some activity you dislike. From the fact that I’m reading it, you conclude (probably rightly) that thoughts related to the words I’m reading are running through my head. That conclusion bothers you, and you don’t like that I’m thinking them. It hurts you, and you blame me for it, and perhaps the person who wrote the book.
And a third: I write a book. It portrays people with particular attributes, physical or emotional or mental, that bother you. You conclude (rightly or wrongly) that the attributes I have given those characters are attributes that I find interesting and,or attractive. That conclusion bothers you, and you don’t like that I find those attributes attractive. You blame me for it.
And here’s what it all boils down to for me: I refuse to accept the blame for what you imagine me to be thinking.
I will accept blame for words and actions that harm you, but neither of us are telepathic. If you think that I am having a thought that harms you, then then it is your thought, not mine, that is hurting you, and you should let go of it.
Follow
“You and I are walking toward each other. As you approach, I look at you. From the way I look at you, you conclude that some thought is going through my mind about your appearance.”
As a person with Asperger’s syndrome, lacking second order empathy (that is, the ability to judge what someone is thinking about me based on a mental map of How Humans Think(TM)), this is my life. I can’t tell what any of y’all are thinking about me and most glances come across as “with a complete absence of data to indicate anything, you must be doing something wrong.”
As far as I’m concerned, most humans are aliens anyway, so y’all can think whatever you want. Just stop staring please 🙂
Now animals, I can understand better. (See Temple Grandin’s life story, etc.)
Anyhow, good work, Nobilis, and keep at it.
This goes back to our conversation on Twitter about fantasies and consent.
One does not need consent for anything that happens in your head. Fantasies happen. Objectification happens. None of that needs the consent of the person that is being fantasized about/objectified. The problem is when those thoughts get manifested in people’s actions.
It’s why I get bothered when women complain about being objectified. There’s nothing wrong in my mind with the objectification. The problem is entirely how people behave and thus manifest such objectification.
Ai: Yes, precisely! That’s exactly what I’m talking about here.